stretching. depth. love.

Last night was my last growth group of the year. What a year it has been! As a good leader, one of the things you are supposed to do is help your group gain closure and leave them with positive memories of growth groups through reflection. The part that is not mentioned is that to do so, you must reflect as well and that is a dangerous thing. I had expected that because I was serving in a role that seemed to fit my personality so well that this year would be easy. I assumed that caring for others would drive out my broken places and fill them with warm feelings of how good God is.
Here I sit. Filled with the wonder of how good God is but because he has spent the last year pointing out the depth of my broken places. He has pushed my face in the ocean that is my natural tendency towards despair and held me under until I could truly appreciate the beauty of air. It has been a long time since the depth of my depravity has brought me as much deep sadness as it has this last year. I have learned the most beautiful secret though. God loves me. Not "God loves me in spite of my depravity" or "God loves that I am depraved." But simply. God loves me. It makes no difference to his love how broken I am or how easily I seem to forget his love. He waits for me, as close as ever, and when I am ready, I find myself overwhelmed by the most steadfast and wild peace.
Last night my girls and I sat around and answered a bunch of reflection questions that I had put in a jar and passed around. The last question was "If you could pick three words to describe this year, what would they be?" My three words are stretching, depth, and love. What are yours?

it is a day for lovely things.

"Love is promise, love is a souvenir, once given, never forgotten, never let it disappear."- John Lennon

It is a day for lovely things.

a life giving nature of loveliness.

Last night I had the most lovely conversation with my growth group. For those of you who aren't members of the Grace College cult, growth groups are a dorm Bible study where around ten girls (or guys if you are a guy) get together to go to talk about deep things and lament the amount of homework you still have to do and I happen to lead one. Partly because I am a terrible planner and partly because God is good at leading this terrible planner, we talked last night about a passage I read out of John and Stasi Eldredge's book Captivating: Unveiling a Woman's Soul. It is a terribly good book and I shared a portion where Stasi talks about the question that all women have in common: Am I lovely?
Women are created to reveal the merciful, loving, captivating side of a God that without us would only be seen as warrior and judge. But our souls long to be fought for, to be told that we are lovely in a deep way that no heart, except the heart of God, can be enough for us.
In all of our brokenness and scars, I saw lovely women last night. As they described movie heroines and what makes a beautiful woman words like "alluring, mysterious, draws you in, exceptional, gentle spirit, and smiling" were thrown around. By the end of the evening every girl was glowing. I do not think it mattered that we were in our pajamas with slightly greasy hair and tired eyes, there was a radiant beauty as broken places were brought to God and vulnerability crept back into very guarded hearts.
I give you the same challenge I gave my girls and myself. Spend a week thinking of the most beautiful experience you have had. It could be a time where you were able to bask in the beauty of someone, or of something. Bring that to the front of your mind, daydream about how that makes you feel and what makes it beautiful. After a week is over, share it with someone and watch the life giving nature of beauty unfold.

to continue making the peanut butter sandwiches of life.

There are a lot of things swirling around in this mess I call a mind, most useless, but the thought that keeps itself prevalent is the beauty of the peanut butter sandwich. One of my teachers, Dr. DeZago, ran a ministry where he would give hungry people a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of tang. It is not elaborate, not expensive, but to a hungry person, there are few things that would be better.

God help me make peanut butter sandwiches for those I love. Give me patience and discernment to not react out of being hurt but out of a desire to bring healing.

wow. it's been a while.

wow. It has been a while since I posted anything. I feel like summarizing the last two months would be pointless, but here's a familiar scripture passage that has found deeper significance with me recently.


Philippians 4:4-9

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.



Let us hope that gets me through finals.

breathe.
sip tea.
breathe.
panic.
breathe.
exist.

the end.

Well. The summer has come to its official end. It has been lit on fire and the ashes sent out to sea. I have done many things since my last blog, mainly because my last blog was a while ago *shame face*. But now I am back at school, getting ready to begin growth group leader training and wondering exactly how I managed to get two thousand miles away from the place I have grown to love the last few months? And please do not get me started on the dear faces that I I will not get to see...
This summer has taught me many things, some of the lessons were easier than others and perhaps I still have more things to learn from my experiences this summer. While I work on sulking though all the homesickness for this tiny little town where I left a piece of my heart, I am looking forward to all the joy, people, and new experiences this year will bring. I will be grateful for the day where there are no more goodbyes (if such a day exists) and to have a patch of dirt that is my home, but until then, I will wander and enjoy my three addresses, learning to live and love in the present, and testing just how quickly and how tightly I can pack a suitcase for the next adventure.